“When the crowded Vietnamese refugee boats met with storms or pirates, if everyone panicked all would be lost. But if even one person on the boat remained calm and centered, it was enough. It showed the way for everyone to survive.”
- Thich Nhat Hanh
The critical nature of maintaining a calm presence in a mediation is often overlooked by mediators who are anxious to get the parties to a resolution or who are frustrated by slow progress, poor advocacy, questionable negotiating strategy or seemingly intractable positions and excessive dialogue (from the mediator's perspective). In order for a mediation to be productive and successful, it is critical for a mediator to create an atmosphere in which difficult issues can be addressed while managing unhelpful emotions such as anger, fear, and blame.
I had the privilege of receiving instruction from Peacemaker, Mediator and Lawyer Doug Noll, based in California. In his article “Maintaining a Non-Anxious Presence”, Doug speaks of the critical nature of a calm mediator:
“The capacity to maintain a “non-anxious” presence within a conflict may be one of your more significant capabilities. Not only can this capacity enable you to be more clear-headed about solutions and more adroit in difficult situations, but a non-anxious presence will modify anxiety throughout the entire group. This aspect of leadership can sometimes do more to resolve issues than the ability to come up with good solutions.”
Doug goes on to describe in his article a calm mediator (or peacemaker) as someone who possesses a true state of inner calm. He uses the analogy of a transformer in an electrical circuit. Where the mediator is anxious in the face of conflict, it will be redirected back into the mediation but at a much higher voltage.
He also identifies three aspects of a non-anxious presence. The first is playfulness, which is described as the antidote to seriousness. A mediator who can be playful, challenging, earthy and sometimes just silly can loosen up and otherwise tense and heated atmosphere, and force people out of a serious headspace. I will sometimes joke in a mediation and suggest that it would be much more effective if everyone came in their pajamas or sweatpants, poured a cup of coffee and sat around on the floor for a “chat”. The stark contrast from where we are usually sitting at that moment almost always generates a good laugh. It is amazing how the mood changes.
The second aspect of a non-anxious presence is avoiding “diagnostic thinking”, which is where we become over analytical which almost invariable increases the anxiety level. A good mediator will stay a level above the conflict and not engage so much as to become mired in the detail, and as a result, anxious about the outcome. This type of anxiety will needlessly and unproductively increase the temperature in the room.
The final aspect of a calm mediator is the ability to give the participants hope. By the time people get to a mediation, they often lack optimism about the likelihood of achieving a resolution. A non-anxious and calm demeanour gives confidence to the parties that they can achieve a satisfactory solution. When people have hope, they will try harder, be more engaged and are more likely to be flexible and get to a solution. Furthermore, a calm and playful manner allows the mediator to establish a good rapport with the parties, which in turn begins to build a level of trust in the mediator. This newly formed relationship of trust assists the mediator as she/he endeavors to advance the mediation process towards a concluded settlement.
Frequently during mediations, one or more of the parties will comment on my calm approach and relaxed manner. While this is, to some extent a part of my personality, it is not an accidental or random aspect to my mediation practice, and I have honed and practiced and tried to remain sensitive to maintaining this presence. I have heard this said countless times of my partner, Ivan Derer, K.C. who was and continues to be a ground breaking mediator in Alberta, and who exhibits this type of non-anxious and playful style, which has been a great part of his success over the last 10 years of practice. Ivan and I both understand that mediation is a stressful event for everyone, and particularly for those who have never participated in the process before. It is critical for the mediator to create an atmosphere where people don’t panic, in order to ensure open discussion, flexibility and willingness to modify and soften positions. This will allow the parties to successfully weather the storms, the pirates, the fear and uncertainty that will greet them on their journey to a principled and satisfactory settlement.