One of the greatest barriers to a successful ADR is the inability (or sometimes refusal) of parties to really understand that each participant comes to a dispute with a story. Everyone’s story is truly and honestly held, based on their own knowledge, understanding and perspective of the issues that are at the very core of the dispute. Most often, one person’s story has nothing to do with the story of another, and until presented with the opportunity to sit across the table from one another, these stories cannot truly be shared in an effective fashion. Sure, everyone has a “position” at mediation, but behind that position, for both sides, there is always a “story”. It is the willingness to really hear that story that will allow for resolution to come, and to come in a way that is satisfying to all of the parties involved.
The video in the link above, It’s Not About the Nail is an entertaining and artful example of what happens when we become so distracted by our own perspective that we seem to be incapable of truly listening to another. It is only when we are able to pull away from our own biases, distractions and preconceived notions that we can begin to open the lines of communication and walk down a path that can take us to resolution of a dispute.
“Mindful listening” is a concept derived from Zen Buddhist philosophy which teaches how focus, concentration and compassion for others can form the basis of better and healthier relationships. Mindful listening combines 3 essential factors:
1) Relaxation
2) Focus
3) Desire to learn or gain another’s perspective
In order to listen mindfully, we must break the habits which are destructive to effective communication. These include prejudice, negativism, closed mindedness and preoccupation with self. When parties can focus on the process of listening instead of the “payoff”, the likelihood of achieving a successful resolution is increased by a significant margin.
So how do we do this? In her book The Zen of Listening, Rebecca Shafir recommends “getting into their movie” as an alternative to thinking of stepping into someone else’s shoes. In situations of conflict, the idea of standing in someone else’s shoes can feel somewhat threatening and perhaps difficult. If we think of suspending our disbelief as we do when we are watching a movie, it feels less like we have to adopt or accept the other viewpoint, and more like we are just observing and taking it all in with the comfort that we can go back to our own movie/position at anytime.
The idea that we are doing something as familiar as watching a movie encourages us to do what we have done countless times in a much more comfortable context – relax, pay attention to what is happening, and take in the story. Give it a try, you might be surprised by what you find.