Building a Home in "The Lorraine"

On the first of October, I will be moving into 620 12 Ave SW; this historic building is called “the Lorraine”. While I was initially wowed by the versatility of the space and the charm of the décor, I was also struck more recently by the wealth of stories held within. Heidi Klaassen published an article, a love letter to the building, back in August and it has not since left my mind.

            As my entrance into the space looms, I pause on Klaassen’s words about her own entrance. She called it “an admission into the life [she] intended to lead”. The Lorraine feels to me like an opening into the practice I have always envisioned. A mediation practice removed from the stiff formalities normally associated with the legal process. I am proud of the unique atmosphere of my mediations, my goal is always to be accommodating and to make the process as free of pain and full of ease as possible.

            The Lorraine is rich with character and stories, within the original brick walls an ever-shifting inner life. In my space, I hope to be as adaptable and fluid as the space itself. While still honouring the original character of the building, I am designing my space to have adaptable meeting areas and furniture to meet the unique needs of my clients. Another goal of mine is to create a comfortable space where clients might feel at home as we embark upon our mediating journey.

            That is the true character of the building: the rotation of people as they move in, create memories, and move on. Klaassen remarks upon that nature, “The Lorraine heard them yell and cry and laugh. She watched as they tripped on the stairs or climbed them two at a time. For a while, their stories happened in those four storeys.” The Lorraine itself has a character, built from many stories over many years. The Lorraine and I understand that though people may just be passing through, these experiences shape their lives. We all bring our own histories into the room with us, and mediation can be a vulnerable or life-changing experience. My job is to try and ensure that it is a comfortable and positive one.

I want to say how proud I am to be moving into this iconic space with its incredible stories of love and loss, triumph and romance, tragedy and joy. These are the things which weave into the fabric of our lives. I will be adding my story to #303, and I can only hope to live up to the tales of my predecessors.

Heidi Klaassen’s Original Article: (link) https://www.sprawlcalgary.com/calgary-lorraine-building

If You Can't Stand The Heat....

We have experienced a heat wave here in Calgary the likes of which I can’t ever remember.  And one thing I have learned in this new experience is that being too hot makes people grumpy.  And being grumpy enhances the prospects of people acting out irrationally and making poor decisions.  People become “hotheads” in the most literal definition of the term.

Being in the mired in a conflict can be as unsettling as being unable to cool down in a heat wave.  Conflict stirs up all sorts of emotions including anger, fear, sadness, hurt.  In the acclaimed collaboration between the Dalai Lama and Bishop Desmond Tutu, “The Book of Joy”, Bishop Tutu describes a conversation he had with the Dalai Lama about the close connection between anger and fear.  His Holiness says: “Where there is fear, frustration will come.  Frustration brings anger.  So you see, fear and anger are very close.”  When asked about how he controlled his own anger, the Dalai Lama laughed and told a story about a man who used to drive him in the 1950’s, and this man also did the repairs on the one car they had in his village in Tibet.  One day the man was repairing the car, and was laying underneath it.  As he came out, he banged his head on the fender.  This made him lose his temper, and he was so angry that he banged his head on the car over and over again.  What was the purpose or benefit of this man repeatedly banging his head?  What did it accomplish (other than perhaps a headache)?  Anger is described as foolish and not helpful.  

Renowned neuropsychologist Daniel Siegel explains that when we get angry, we lose the benefit of our critical thinking cortex, and as a result, our prefrontal cortex, necessary for emotion regulation and moral judgment loses its ability to control our emotional limbic system, so we do foolish and irrational  things – like the driver repeatedly banging his head. 

In a situation of conflict, however, emotions, properly channelled are essential to reaching productive and satisfactory resolution.  In his 2015 book “The Conflict Paradox”, Bernard Mayer explains what he calls the “emotion-logic paradox”, and postulates that if we do not access our own emotions when we are in conflict, we can’t engage effectively, make decisions and move the dispute forward in an effective way.  Having said that, however, he also notes that emotions can also provide the fuel to escalate the conflict, which in turn leads to poor decision making. 

One of the challenges for a mediator is to provide a space which allows and encourages parties to access their emotions – to experience them, use them and recognize the powerful role that they play in cognitive thinking and decision making, all the while ensuring that emotions are monitored and kept in perspective and under control.  Mayer notes that this is “no easy trick” given that conflict is both a product of emotions and a catalyst for them. 

There are various techniques in mediation that allow us to channel emotions in an effective way, and avoid parties being driven to anger and “hotheadedness” or to sadness and hurt, or any other in a whole range of emotions.  These include, among many options, framing the issue as a mutual problem to be mutually solved, looking for joint interests, allowing an opportunity to “let off steam”, and encouraging parties to step back and try to view the conflict from a wider perspective.  Most often we use caucusing at some point in the mediation process which can be helpful in clearing space for emotions to be expressed without a party feeling like she/he is “on display” or under scrutiny.  An effective mediator pays close attention to the emotions of the parties involved, and proposes the most effective ways to approach each unique situation.

So in the heat of conflict, just as in a long, hot summer, even where seemingly unhelpful emotions emerge, a good mediator can take a hothead from banging her/his head against a wall (or a car) to a hug or a handshake by knowing the techniques to pull out of the mediator’s toolbox. 

As Canadians, we also know that summers are short, and extreme heat or not, soon enough we will be into a deep freeze, which presents a different set of challenges, so we are encouraged to embrace each moment, hot, sweaty and uncomfortable as it might be, all the while knowing that too shall pass.
 

Remaining Calm

“When the crowded Vietnamese refugee boats met with storms or pirates, if everyone panicked all would be lost. But if even one person on the boat remained calm and centered, it was enough. It showed the way for everyone to survive.”

-         Thich Nhat Hanh

The critical nature of maintaining a calm presence in a mediation is often overlooked by mediators who are anxious to get the parties to a resolution or who are frustrated by slow progress, poor advocacy, questionable negotiating strategy or seemingly intractable positions and excessive dialogue (from the mediator's perspective).   In order for a mediation to be productive and successful, it is critical for a mediator to create an atmosphere in which difficult issues can be addressed while managing unhelpful emotions such as anger, fear, and blame.

I had the privilege of receiving instruction from Peacemaker, Mediator and Lawyer Doug Noll, based in California.  In his article “Maintaining a Non-Anxious Presence”, Doug speaks of the critical nature of a calm mediator:

“The capacity to maintain a “non-anxious” presence within a conflict may be one of your more significant capabilities.  Not only can this capacity enable you to be more clear-headed about solutions and more adroit in difficult situations, but a non-anxious presence will modify anxiety throughout the entire group. This aspect of leadership can sometimes do more to resolve issues than the ability to come up with good solutions.”

Doug goes on to describe in his article a calm mediator (or peacemaker) as someone who possesses a true state of inner calm.  He uses the analogy of a transformer in an electrical circuit.  Where the mediator is anxious in the face of conflict, it will be redirected back into the mediation but at a much higher voltage.

He also identifies three aspects of a non-anxious presence.  The first is playfulness, which is described as the antidote to seriousness.  A mediator who can be playful, challenging, earthy and sometimes just silly can loosen up and otherwise tense and heated atmosphere, and force people out of a serious headspace.  I will sometimes joke in a mediation and suggest that it would be much more effective if everyone came in their pajamas or sweatpants, poured a cup of coffee and sat around on the floor for a “chat”.  The stark contrast from where we are usually sitting at that moment almost always generates a good laugh.  It is amazing how the mood changes.

The second aspect of a non-anxious presence is avoiding “diagnostic thinking”, which is where we become over analytical which almost invariable increases the anxiety level.  A good mediator will stay a level above the conflict and not engage so much as to become mired in the detail, and as a result, anxious about the outcome.  This type of anxiety will needlessly and unproductively increase the temperature in the room.

The final aspect of a calm mediator is the ability to give the participants hope.  By the time people get to a mediation, they often lack optimism about the likelihood of achieving a resolution.  A non-anxious and calm demeanour gives confidence to the parties that they can achieve a satisfactory solution. When people have hope, they will try harder, be more engaged and are more likely to be flexible and get to a solution.  Furthermore, a calm and playful manner allows the mediator to establish a good rapport with the parties, which in turn begins to build a level of trust in the mediator.  This newly formed relationship of trust assists the mediator as she/he endeavors to advance the mediation process towards a concluded settlement.

Frequently during mediations, one or more of the parties will comment on my calm approach and relaxed manner.  While this is, to some extent a part of my personality, it is not an accidental or random aspect to my mediation practice, and I have honed and practiced and tried to remain sensitive to maintaining this presence.  I have heard this said countless times of my partner, Ivan Derer, K.C. who was and continues to be a ground breaking mediator in Alberta, and who exhibits this type of non-anxious and playful style, which has been a great part of his success over the last 10 years of practice.  Ivan and I both understand that mediation is a stressful event for everyone, and particularly for those who have never participated in the process before.  It is critical for the mediator to create an atmosphere where people don’t panic, in order to ensure open discussion, flexibility and willingness to modify and soften positions. This will allow the parties to successfully weather the storms, the pirates, the fear and uncertainty that will greet them on their journey to a principled and satisfactory settlement.

It's Not About the Nail - The Importance of Mindful Listening

One of the greatest barriers to a successful ADR is the inability (or sometimes refusal) of parties to really understand that each participant comes to a dispute with a story.  Everyone’s story is truly and honestly held, based on their own knowledge, understanding and perspective of the issues that are at the very core of the dispute.  Most often, one person’s story has nothing to do with the story of another, and until presented with the opportunity to sit across the table from one another, these stories cannot truly be shared in an effective fashion.  Sure, everyone has a “position” at mediation, but behind that position, for both sides, there is always a “story”.  It is the willingness to really hear that story that will allow for resolution to come, and to come in a way that is satisfying to all of the parties involved. 

The video in the link above, It’s Not About the Nail is an entertaining and artful example of what happens when we become so distracted by our own perspective that we seem to be incapable of truly listening to another.  It is only when we are able to pull away from our own biases, distractions and preconceived notions that we can begin to open the lines of communication and walk down a path that can take us to resolution of a dispute. 

“Mindful listening” is a concept derived from Zen Buddhist philosophy which teaches how focus, concentration and compassion for others can form the basis of better and healthier relationships. Mindful listening combines 3 essential factors:

1)      Relaxation

2)      Focus

3)      Desire to learn or gain another’s perspective

In order to listen mindfully, we must break the habits which are destructive to effective communication.  These include prejudice, negativism, closed mindedness and preoccupation with self.  When parties can focus on the process of listening instead of the “payoff”, the likelihood of achieving a successful resolution is increased by a significant margin. 

So how do we do this?  In her book The Zen of Listening, Rebecca Shafir recommends “getting into their movie” as an alternative to thinking of stepping into someone else’s shoes.  In situations of conflict, the idea of standing in someone else’s shoes can feel somewhat threatening and perhaps difficult.   If we think of suspending our disbelief as we do when we are watching a movie, it feels less like we have to adopt or accept the other viewpoint, and more like we are just observing and taking it all in with the comfort that we can go back to our own movie/position at anytime. 

The idea that we are doing something as familiar as watching a movie encourages us to do what we have done countless times in a much more comfortable context – relax, pay attention to what is happening, and take in the story.  Give it a try, you might be surprised by what you find.

Managing Emotion, Fear and Anger in the Mediation Process

I have recently been reflecting on some of the challenges of managing the mediation process where parties' emotions and fears are elevated, perhaps by virtue of the circumstances which led to the dispute or by virtue of the unique emotional, physical or psychological state of one or more of the parties.

How do we encourage people to "come together" to attempt a mutually agreeable resolution when they can't even be in the same room together? Is there something lost in the process where parties are not able to sit across the table and really listen to one another? Can a resolution still be reached, and more importantly, can there ever be closure for those involved if they never see one another?

In mediation, emotions are the drivers of decision making. To ignore them, or minimize them ignores the reality that to come to resolution of a problem, emotions, even (and perhaps especially) strong ones must be respected, validated and sometimes diffused. Sometimes high emotion can be managed with all parties together in the same room, but in certain situations, to gather the groups together and risk an unskillful response from another party is certain to end a mediation prematurely.

Accordingly, in such situations, it is useful for the mediator to meet with each side separately prior to commencement of the mediation in order to get a sense of what is driving the participants. If there is a refusal by one party to be in the same room as another party, it is imperative to respect this desire, and to adapt the process accordingly. A skillful mediator will be able to craft a process where high emotion can be identified, managed and communicated in an effective fashion to the other parties. Management of high emotion is most effectively done by identifying, labelling and reflecting the emotion back to the party. This has a calming and diffusing effect, and moves the party more towards a more rational approach to the problem, which ultimately is most likely to get a deal done. It also paves the way for a discussion about how to communicate the emotion in a way that will be an effective approach to negotiating. All of this can be done in separate rooms with the mediator acting as a “go-between”.

At the end of the day, it is surprising how skillful management of emotions is a necessary and highly effective tool in allowing for closure. Even if there is not sufficient cooling to allow a handshake, an acknowledgement by the mediator that emotions have been communicated openly to the other side brings a sense of relief and allows people to let go and ultimately to move on.

Endings And Beginnings A Springtime Rite of Passage

As I sit looking out at the spring rains buffeting my window I find myself reflecting on change. I am about to embark on a new, exciting and scary time of my life, as I launch my mediation practice and leave the comfort of the firm and the people I have loved and called my family for 14 years. The idea of stepping out into the wild and unpredictable weather of being truly self employed and 100% self reliant is enough to make me want to crawl under my desk. But I don’t. Because as scary and humbling as change can be, to not grow and to remain static feels much more terrifying.

And so I know I will step out there, rain or shine, and take the first steps on my own adventure. This is The Journey, not just mine, but the journeys of so many, in the deeply moving and powerful words of poet Mary Oliver:

The Journey

It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
he only life you could save.

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.

These powerful words are easily applied in the mediation context. Parties to a dispute come to a mediation nervous, sometimes terrified, but determined to find a way to come to resolution. The process begins and it is uncertain – what will be hurled from one side of the table to another? Can each party withstand the strength of argument of the other side, can they hold their own and stay true to what brought them there in the first place – the desire, sometimes the need, to say their piece and find closure. There will be strong forces blowing against each party – like the wind in in Mary Oliver’s poem, prying with its stiff fingers. But in mediation we must learn to bend, and not break, to move forward bravely, acutely aware of the goal of clarity, of resolution, of breaking free of what binds us. If we are truly present, and watch and listen, we can learn and do so much.

I am determined as I begin my journey to be true to what speaks to my own heart. Compassion, connection, principle. I look forward to walking this walk many, many times, not alone, but in the company of those who truly seek a new beginning. And all the while, I will hold in my heart the lessons and love of those who have touched my life over these last many years, all with tremendous gratitude.