I have recently been reflecting on some of the challenges of managing the mediation process where parties' emotions and fears are elevated, perhaps by virtue of the circumstances which led to the dispute or by virtue of the unique emotional, physical or psychological state of one or more of the parties.
How do we encourage people to "come together" to attempt a mutually agreeable resolution when they can't even be in the same room together? Is there something lost in the process where parties are not able to sit across the table and really listen to one another? Can a resolution still be reached, and more importantly, can there ever be closure for those involved if they never see one another?
In mediation, emotions are the drivers of decision making. To ignore them, or minimize them ignores the reality that to come to resolution of a problem, emotions, even (and perhaps especially) strong ones must be respected, validated and sometimes diffused. Sometimes high emotion can be managed with all parties together in the same room, but in certain situations, to gather the groups together and risk an unskillful response from another party is certain to end a mediation prematurely.
Accordingly, in such situations, it is useful for the mediator to meet with each side separately prior to commencement of the mediation in order to get a sense of what is driving the participants. If there is a refusal by one party to be in the same room as another party, it is imperative to respect this desire, and to adapt the process accordingly. A skillful mediator will be able to craft a process where high emotion can be identified, managed and communicated in an effective fashion to the other parties. Management of high emotion is most effectively done by identifying, labelling and reflecting the emotion back to the party. This has a calming and diffusing effect, and moves the party more towards a more rational approach to the problem, which ultimately is most likely to get a deal done. It also paves the way for a discussion about how to communicate the emotion in a way that will be an effective approach to negotiating. All of this can be done in separate rooms with the mediator acting as a “go-between”.
At the end of the day, it is surprising how skillful management of emotions is a necessary and highly effective tool in allowing for closure. Even if there is not sufficient cooling to allow a handshake, an acknowledgement by the mediator that emotions have been communicated openly to the other side brings a sense of relief and allows people to let go and ultimately to move on.